Weight Off My Shoulders
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True To Oneself

I am sure everyone has had rough times in their lives. The times that you lived through and you try to forget. The ones you have put in a dark closet, locked the door and tried to barricade from your heart and mind.

For me the door was cracked ajar on Tuesday night. At the night Weight Watchers meeting I attended, a woman brought up an issue she had been struggling with – a lack of hunger. She wondered if it had anything to do with a previous eating disorder she dealt with.

BAM! There it was right back in the forefront of my mind … Eating disorder.

I too was one of those people who battled through not one, but two eating disorders in my past. It is a time in my life that I would rather forget. One of the toughest I have experienced.

I have always had low self esteem and an even lower opinion of myself, especially physically. I can remember back in high school struggling with food and binging. There were times I would force myself to purge, but never thought anything of it. I never thought there was a “problem”.

In college, I tried Weight Watchers for the first time and felt good losing weight healthily. But then I gave up and proceeded to gradually gain 50-60 lbs. But at that point I was in a relationship and got comfortable so I didn’t worry about the weight as much. Then in February 2006 it all changed as that relationship ended and my world was rocked.

I literally stopped eating and anything I did eat (crackers) I would purge. This unhealthy cycle went on for months and months. But the skinnier I got, the more the compliments poured in. “You look great!” “Keep up the good work!” “Whatever you are doing is working!”

Well, when you are in a dark place and you receive those compliments, there is really no desire to stop. If the weight is coming off, that’s all that matters. Right? Not the case. I was malnourished. Fainting in the shower after working out on little more than water. Just overall unhealthy.

Finally, my friends had an intervention with me and I started eating again. But over the years, I continued to secretly purge if I felt I ate too much or I was just in an unhappy place. The disease was a safe place for me. Something I could control.

It wasn’t until I joined Weight Watchers this second time (November 2009) that I can finally say I am living a healthy lifestyle. I am not perfect. I have slipped up, but I can count them on one hand in the last 18 months. The best I have done in years!

I cannot say I am 100% changed, but slowly I feel like I will get there. I have shown with hard work and determination I can accomplish my goal without using any tactics I am ashamed in. I don’t feel like I need to hide anything from my friends and family anymore. Now THAT is winning.

Will I ever say I am completely free from the eating disorder demon? Probably not. But today, I can say it no longer has the stronghold on my life that it once did. Slowly, but surely I am taking my life back from it’s grasp.

One day a a time … It’s all any of us can do.

If you are struggling, know there are always people there to pick you up! I’m forever grateful to the friends that have have helped me, and continue to help me persevere … and more importantly survive!

Truth Tuesday

Okay so I like the idea of calling my weigh-in day: Truth Tuesday. Since really that is what facing the scale is all about!

So I was hoping for a good week. I was on plan all last week and worked out hard.

Aaannnd … I lost 4.2! Woo! I haven’t lost that much in one week since the Points Plus plan rolled out back in November.

So the grand total lost is … 49.2! Ahh, just 0.8 of a little lb from 50! 50! I have dreamed of hitting 50 and now cannot believe I am in the virtual bubble that 50 is in.

I am also currently 4.2 lbs from the goal weight I set on Day One of Weight Watchers and 13.2 lbs from the goal weight my doctor gave me when I had surgery in January.

I can’t even stop smiling. I am so proud of myself. It really hit me today that I am making this happen for myself. No one else is doing the work for me. I committed to turning my life according to food and exercise around and I have!

Now I know this weekend is Chicago Pride and my bestie Linds is coming into town so I will not be as diligent as I was last week so I may gain this week. But, I am okay with that. You roll with it. My goal is to hit the 50 lb mark in July … and I think I can!

I know I haven’t hit the milestone that is 50 yet, but I still want to thank all the people that have helped me along the way. The ones that listen to me rattle on on a daily basis about how many pts I have left, what I need to do at the gym and just let me vent.

The short list is: my parents, my lovely wife, Linds, Mel, Ellie, Jim, Naomi, Sarah and Elizabeth. But, I cannot forget my online support from HealthyLoserGal (Jan), #7daychip (Brad) and of course, my favorite Red, Jamie!

To you all, I cannot imagine being where I am today without you and your constant positivity (even when I didn’t see it)!

Weekend Wrap

It feels weird that I didn’t really blog at all this weekend. I guess being that busy at work can do that to a person.

Well as I left it on Friday, all I wanted to do is survive … and I did! AND even more importantly, I did NOT eat everything in sight. I actually managed to make it the whole week without using any weekly or activity points, which was my personal goal (#7daychip). So I am pretty happy that I was able to stick to my program and not cave. Even though many a time I said, wow I could really use a glass of wine …

New Kids On The Block in their Bruins jerseys

Friday night was the highlight of my weekend. I went with Ellie and Sara to the NKOTBSB concert. It was amazing. Lots of bad singing on my part and overall “jamming.” Being at the concert and seeing everyone else letting lose and having drinks and stadium food made me jealous … until I remember the prices. All of a sudden the glass of wine didn’t sound so necessary at $7.75 a pop.

The view at the start of my run! Beautiful!

I kicked Saturday off with a nice 7 mile run. It was the latest stage of the Half Marathon training. I still can’t believe after getting home at 12:30 from the show I managed to get up at 5:30 for the 6am run. But once I was out there with my friend Steph, it was awesome. So awesome to see running groups all along the Lakefront and just enjoy an overall gorgeous Chicago morning. Oh, and I also ran the 7 miles (1:11) faster than I did the 6.47 miles (1:12) the week before.

Can't wait for the Half on August 14!

I already blogged about it, but Sunday was the Rock ‘n Roll Tune-Up 5k. It was a beautiful morning and a fun run to do. I took it nice and easy and just enjoyed the run. Running is just awesome that way. You can tune out the rest of the world for that time and just be in the moment.

I am really hoping for a good weigh-in tomorrow, especially since I know next week will be a tough one after Chicago Pride weekend!! But such is life…

Stress

This has been one busy week at work and it will only get busier this weekend. With that comes stress. With stress, comes a desire to eat everything in sight. Okay, everything unhealthy and greasy in sight.

So why oh why did I decide to pick this week to not use any weekly or activity points for my #7daychip challenge? Originally, it was because I thought I was going to have a horrendous weigh-in Tuesday and needed the week to recoup.

Now I am using it as a way to show myself that I do NOT need to turn to food for comfort or stress release. Despite how appealing the peanut M&Ms may look.

Today, I stuck with my food plan instead of wavering and having the French fries that were available at lunch. I knew tonight would be my one night to be home so I built a much needed glass of wine into my day.

I’ve also found some non-food ways to handle stress: take a walk, go for a run, head to the gym, take a nap, take a bath, just sit on the couch or snuggle a couple adorable pups.

What do you do to relieve stress?

Current Goal: Survive to see Monday … and without eating everything in sight!

Weigh-In Tuesday

Okay not going to lie. I debated last night whether to actually weigh-in today or not. I KNEW how bad I was this weekend. Okay, we ALL knew how bad I was this weekend so I figured the scale wouldn’t be pretty.

But…

I maintained! I didn’t post a loss or a gain and I was thrilled… I would like to thank activity for making this possible. I did a nice run on Sunday and did my own little “last chance workout” this morning to try and help the scale as best as possible.

Here is today’s main question: How do you handle your food/liquid intake before a weigh-in?

I was talking to my WW leader, Lisa, about it this morning. I used to weigh-in at night so I had my system down. I knew when to eat what and when to cut off the liquid before I hit the scale. But now I am weighing in in the AM (between 10:30-11). It is a rough adjustment. So each week I have been trying different techniques to see which works best.

Do I keep the morning coffee? Do I eat fruit? Do I eat my vitatop? Do I stick with water?

So many choices… what do you do to be successful on the morning scale?

Today’s Positive

Now after the negative of the previous post, it is time for the positive.

This morning the wife and I ran 6.47 miles! Woo! We were supposed to run 6 according to our Half Marathon training schedule on Runkeeper. But, we did that plus some.

Go us!! Bring on next week’s 7 miler…

Honesty

Well this post is inspired by two people.

The first being my Weight Watchers leader Lisa. She brought up on Tuesday how she wanted to be truthful with us because we would rather want a “truthful” leader than a “perfect” leader. That is the truth. When it comes to weight loss very few people have a perfect go of it. We all face obstacles and it is better to share them than hide them! Hiding things hurts no one, but yourself.

The second is Healthy Loser Gal herself, Jan. She blogged Friday about a rough food night and I commended her for being so honest.

So here goes…

I was HORRIBLE this weekend! Food, wine and beer, I indulged in it all. I made a loose game plan for this weekend and threw it out the window by Thursday night. Where to begin?

Thursday night I split a bottle of wine with a friend at an outdoor concert, while munching on A LOT of Baked Cheetos. I also came home and ate some pita chips (not needed). I did still hit all my healthy checks.

Friday night I went to a friend’s house for a Weight Watchers approved dinner. I again imbibed on more vino than I allotted myself for that night. I snacked on more bread than usual. I also ate a few more Trader Joe’s mini ice cream sandwiches than I should have. I did still hit all my healthy checks.

Here comes the BIG disaster of a day – Saturday. I had pita chips. I split a McDonalds meal with my wife. I had some wine. I had … Olive Garden. I crushed five breadsticks and three plates of salad.

To round out the weekend, there was today. I had peanut M&Ms for breakfast with some post-run pita chips. Lunch was two beers and a chicken Caesar salad. Glass of sangria followed by Dominos (pizza and cheesy bread) for dinner.

GROSS!

I cannot believe I did that, but I am putting it behind me. I accept what I did and I am ready to be back on plan tomorrow morning. I am releasing the negative energy to this space.

As I told my wife this morning, this reminded me why I don’t eat this way anymore. I feel gross, bloated (it is also that time) and overall disappointed in myself.

But, I had to look at the bright side. I still worked out each of those four days. After the wine, I could’ve gone out for pizza or greasy food, but I didn’t. So I had some tiny plusses in a sea of negatives.

So there universe I admit it. I slipped. I am human. I am not the perfect weight loss person I sometimes appear to be. But, I will not let this get me off track. I am back.

Has anyone else had a fallout like this before, but gotten back on the horse?