For years I felt those emotions, but always kept them tucked away safely inside. A deep place inside my head where no one would see them or be any the wiser.
There were so many times I would just sit in my room or look out the window and think:
*Would anyone notice if I wasn’t here?
*Would anyone come to my funeral?
*Would the world be better off without me?
*If I decide to end it all, how do I do it?
So for many years, I etched little emotional scars on my heart, my self-esteem and in my brain with each of those self-deprecating thoughts.
All the while, keeping a happy-go-lucky attitude and smile on my face the entire time.
I think it shocked my friends when I finally started opening up about the dark thoughts inside my head because they didn’t match my outside personality.
But then in 2006, I started allowing the internal emotional scars turn physical…
I began cutting.
I first touched on this subject in October 2011.
At first I was embarrassed of the scars that line my wrists, but now I wear those scars as a reminder of how far I have come.
I look at my wrists daily – realize that I am in a much better place now and give thanks that I was able to overcome those dark dark times.
I am happy that I didn’t end up giving in to those suicidal thoughts … that I found some light in those dark times to keep going.
What it was? I have no idea. I’m sure deep down I didn’t want to end it all, but whatever it is – it was there in my subconscious.
So now I give thanks because I have a life that I would’ve been PISSED to have missed.
I have a wonderful wife … I have two loving pups … I have friends that have seen me at my best and my worst and love me either way … I have found a passion for running, fitness and health that I never thought possible.
These days I no longer have to hide those dark thoughts inside my heart or my brain.
I can now write them down in my little slice of the internet, own them and move on.
I no longer need to hold tight to the notion that no one would understand or that no one wants to hear my pain or hurt.
These days I can now share the new thoughts that have replaced the old…