Weight Off My Shoulders
Join Me on My Journey

Scars

Pain.

Self-loathing.

Hatred.

Disgust.

Unhappiness.

Hurt.

—

For years I felt those emotions, but always kept them tucked away safely inside. A deep place inside my head where no one would see them or be any the wiser.

There were so many times I would just sit in my room or look out the window and think:

*Would anyone notice if I wasn’t here?

*Would anyone come to my funeral?

*Would the world be better off without me?

*If I decide to end it all, how do I do it?

So for many years, I etched little emotional scars on my heart, my self-esteem and in my brain with each of those self-deprecating thoughts.

All the while, keeping a happy-go-lucky attitude and smile on my face the entire time.

I think it shocked my friends when I finally started opening up about the dark thoughts inside my head because they didn’t match my outside personality.

But then in 2006, I started allowing the internal emotional scars turn physical…

I began cutting.

I first touched on this subject in October 2011.

At first I was embarrassed of the scars that line my wrists, but now I wear those scars as a reminder of how far I have come.

I look at my wrists daily – realize that I am in a much better place now and give thanks that I was able to overcome those dark dark times.

I am happy that I didn’t end up giving in to those suicidal thoughts … that I found some light in those dark times to keep going.

What it was? I have no idea. I’m sure deep down I didn’t want to end it all, but whatever it is – it was there in my subconscious.

So now I give thanks because I have a life that I would’ve been PISSED to have missed.

I have a wonderful wife … I have two loving pups … I have friends that have seen me at my best and my worst and love me either way … I have found a passion for running, fitness and health that I never thought possible.

These days I no longer have to hide those dark thoughts inside my heart or my brain.

I can now write them down in my little slice of the internet, own them and move on.

I no longer need to hold tight to the notion that no one would understand or that no one wants to hear my pain or hurt.

These days I can now share the new thoughts that have replaced the old…

—

Pride.

Joy.

Passion.

Fierce.

Worthy.

Love.