… in every sense of my life!
Yes, that was the feeling I carried around all day yesterday. I don’t really know where it came from or why it came on so aggressively at one time, but it did.
It snowballed. With everything that went wrong throughout the day yesterday, the “you suck at life” feeling grew and grew.
Maybe it is a December tradition now for me to have a breakdown this time of year.
Right around now is when I had a little breakdown in the car with my wife driving back from spending the Holiday with her family. I just LOST it in the car. You wanna talk about an ugly cry – that night took the cake.
I just get really really REALLY good at bottling up my emotions – my annoyances, my frustrations, my sadness, my self-loathing, my unhappiness – until it all boils over in a big huge ugly cry fest.
After that night, the wife and I had some serious talks and we decided to move back (for me) to Boston – partly so I could lead a less stressful life. The whole deciding to move and it actually happened was a 3-week span.
On January 29 (the day after my half marathon), we loaded up the uHaul thanks to help from my dad and took the 2-day drive to Boston.
Flash forward to this week and for some reason I’m back to that person that is holding in the annoyances, the frustrations, the sadness and the self-loathing.
Maybe it has been happening gradually (probably the case), but it all seemed to come to fruition now.
Is it something about this time of year?
Was it triggered when I started thinking about what I wanted to do/accomplish in 2013?
Am I second-guessing the decisions made last December?
I really don’t know what is at the bottom of it, but I needed to get the words out before I eat my way through this emotional struggle.
Food is not the answer, but for the past few days it worked quite nicely.
So I’m done turning to food and instead I turned to this space to let out the thoughts. To stop burying them with fried foods because that’s what put me into Weight Watchers to begin with … and I’m never going back to that person again.
Now, I will dig deep down to find out what is causing these emotions because in my heart of hearts I know I’m not a failure, but when I look at my life – the degrees I have, the jobs I’ve held – I wonder if I’m living up to my full potential.
But, I know in the meantime I need to focus on making healthy decisions and allowing all my emotions to flow through instead of weighing me down.
Hey, there’s a reason I called this blog Weight Off My Shoulders … so now I will use it to do just that.