It happened again. It has been months since my dark demon reared it's ugly head, but tonight it won.
I feel weak.
I feel pathetic.
But I have to admit defeat.
Tonight I gave in to the eating disorder ghost that haunts me and I purged.
I know this isn't something that folks probably want to read, but I need to get it off my chest.
It is something that I still deal with on daily basis.
I overate and instead of accepting what I did - I gave in to the deep thoughts in my head.
"Get rid of the evidence."
"You F-ed up again now you must pay."
It isn't something that I am proud of, but this disease is a part of me and my journey.
So tonight I admit defeat, but I am taking away the positive.
I recognize what I did. I am looking into why it happened and why I will NOT let it happen the next time.
Eating disorders - binging, purging, starving oneself - it is as much a mental disease as it is physical. To me one that will never go away, but one that I will always battle.
I share this with you all because if I kept it inside it may lead to more negative thoughts and a deeper spiral that I don't want to happen.
This space was created for me to share the battles - the good and the bad.
Tonight it was the bad.
But I will forgive myself and know that tomorrow is a new day.
A better day.
I am not defined by my mistakes...