2013: Finish What You Started ... 2014: Consistency

2013 proved to be a year. The End.

Oh is that not how a "Year In Review" blog happens? Not gonna lie I haven't really done one of these before. :P I guess because big things happened at the end of the two years this little slice of the internet has been around.

2011 - deciding to move back to Boston from Chicago

2012 - Grampa unexpectedly passing away on December 27, 2012.

2013 rounded out without major issue so let's see what kind of review I can put together.

The year was truly defined in April. It gave me the mantra for the reminder of the year: Finish What You Started!

I can't believe how long ago the trip to Disney in January 2013 feels.

It may have been just 365 days ago, but it seems likes a world away.

Why?

Simply put.

April 15, 2013.

That date will forever be engrained in my mind ... and tattooed on my body.

On that day, I lined up for the Boston Marathon with Tedy's Team in honor of my Stroke Heroes - my grandparents.

For those that read the blog you know the ordeal and if you are new - 1st Hi! :) and 2nd feel free to read about my Boston Marathon Bombing experience here. I was lucky to cross the Finish Line 1 minute before the explosions happened and for all of my friends/family/teammates to make it out of the area unscathed.

But that one single event impacted the rest of the year. It never truly leaves you or your memory. Months later it is still hard to walk down Boylston St or to hear folks talk about the events on that day, but it made the city of Boston and the country come together.

It gave me a sense of purpose for the remainder of the year. Simply put: Do things those hurt/killed on that day can't!

So I set out starting in May to live in the moment with friends and family, find new fitness challenges to conquer and earning some amazing accolades.

Friends And Family

Friends, Family and Folks I have met through the interwebs became the backbone of 2013. I needed those faces, those hugs and those interactions to remind me how lucky I was to be living, to be breathing, to be walking.

One of my BFFs, Lindsey, & I enjoying wine! :)

In June I had the honor to attend Suzi Storm's wedding in update New York. We had not met in person before that day, but had formed just a tight friendship through social media that I happily jumped in a car for about 7 hours to witness the biggest day of her life.

This amazing meeting led into Fitbloggin. An amazing weekend for bloggers that I attended in 2012 for the first time. After encountering about 8 hours of delays on my way out from Boston to Portland, I finally made it. Fitbloggin has a special place in my heart. You can read why here.

Fitbloggin occurred at the perfect time. I needed to be surrounded by the love and in a judgment-free zone. Many of the people at that conference were the first to check on me after the Marathon Bombings. The hugs and love experienced that weekend are still felt today.

My other best friend, Sarah, and her family moved to Bar Harbor, Maine (over 5 hour drive from Boston) at the end of May so when her daughter - my Joanna - turned 1 in July. We took the long trek to see them. We spent over 12 hours in the car to spend 12 hours with them ... and it was worth every minute in the car.

Wouldn't you agree for that face?

But just a couple weeks after that, we faced a roadblock. My wife, Tori, underwent an ACL replacement the day after her birthday. It put a big hinge on our summer/fall plans, but seeing her have a healthy recovery was worth the sacrifice.

As a result of the surgery, Tori missed out on the adventures I had meeting new friends through racecations in September and October.

Philadelphia

Cape Cod

Providence

Brooklyn

Los Angeles

I even hosted my first meetup/tweetup in Los Angeles. It was AMAZING to meet so many folks that I had only interacted with before online.

Check out the pics and recap here.

As I mentioned, the theme of this year was to hold on to the loved ones and it spawned meeting social media friends IRL (in real life) and it was magical. I loved seeing online relationships foster into real friendships.

Oh social media.

Fitness Challenges

In the beginning of 2013, I focused on the Walt Disney World Half Marathon and The Boston Marathon. But I knew I needed to keep signing up for races in order to push myself farther outside of my comfort zone.

During Memorial Day weekend, my friend Kim and I took on a special challenge. We were going to take on two races in one day: The Boston's Run To Remember Half at 7am-ish and the Cambridge 5k Freedom Run 5k at 9:30am.

And we made it!! Kim experienced a leg injury/cramp during the Half, but I refused to lead her side and she finished like a champ - leading to this amazing embrace being caught at the Finish Line.

But on that day we did, we conquered 16.2 miles! :)

Then came the obstacle races. These scare me more than a marathon. I have limited upper body strength so they freak me out. But in 2013, I conquered two obstacle races and even got to do the second with a team of Boston bloggers. :)

Ruckus

Urban Raid Boston

In September, I took on the challenge of completing two half marathon in two days in two different states - ZOOMA Cape Cod (9/28) and Rock 'n' ROll Providence (9/29). It was an amazing experience and went smoother than I thought. :)

Oh and I even dabbled in more intense trail running. Yup, that included one at night - thank you See Sharp Run for being my light - in more ways than one and one in the big mountains of Maine, which reminded me I am injury prone. :P

Haunted Trails of the Night 10k

FBC Autumn Trail Race

But the biggest fitness challenge of 2013 - the one I dreamed about for ages - was...

tackling my first Sprint triathlon!!! It was something I never imagined myself completing, but it was a blast. And yes, I was quickly hooked! Which may have led to one of the 2014 fitness goals. :)

Amazing Accolades

Weight Watchers bestowed a couple amazing honors on me in 2013. In our annual April celebration, I earned the Rookie Leader of the Year award and Diamond Leader status.

In October, I was contacted by WeightWatchers.com and told I would be featured on the website as a Success Story. While I can't show any of the photos from the photo shoot yet (it hits the web in March 2014), I can share a couple pics from the trip to NYC itself.

Great dinner with fellow WW Sucess Stories - over 330 lbs lost in this pic

Little trip to Statue of Liberty with the wife

For the second year in a row, I won a spot on Got Chocolate Milk's Team Refuel. Thank you all again for taking the time to vote! :)

Out Of The Comfort Zone

This year I made two big leaps outside of my comfort zone.

At Fitbloggin in June, I was asked and accepted a spot in the new Fashion Show that took place during lunch one day. I was nervous, but knew if there was a place to make an attempt at walking in a Fashion Show it would have to be at Fitbloggin.

Look I even tried to strike a pose. :P

I even put myself out there with a goal of running 1,000 miles in 2013 ... and you know what? It happened!! :)

What was even cooler? I exceeded it. I ended up setting a 2nd (1,111) and finally a 3rd mileage (1,150) goal for the year.

It was one of my proudest moments. Seeing my body accomplish such a big goal that seemed so daunting when I set it in January 2013.

But even with injury and sickness, I pushed forward and used that goal guide me!

***

So to say 2013 was eventful is an understatment. It had it's lows, but with the help of friends and family they turned into highs. It was a trying, yet fulfilling year.

What could 2014 possibly bring?

Consistency.

My goal is to be more consistent in life. Have I fully defined that yet? No. It will be a work in progress as 2014 dictates. But I know I let some old emotional eating habits creep in in 2013 and I am ready for those to quietly fade away.

What about fitness wise?

The big goals of 2014 are: The Dopey Challenge January 9-12, The Boston Marathon April 21 and my very first Half Ironman September 7.

Wow! I would've never imagined myself signing up for these five years ago, but now is the time to learn, to love and to push my limits.

Bring it 2014!

Dani Dishes 1-1-14

On this episode of Dani Dishes, it's time to let the emotions/thoughts out on the #1000MilesIn2013 goal & completing the #RWRunStreak!! And of course a THANK YOU to you - the viewers!! :)

My quest to 1,000 Miles in 2013!!

2013 Total Mileage To Date: 1,150.00

January: 75.39

February: 102.22

March: 140.5

April: 76.89

May: 83.00

June: 72.01

July: 80.29

August: 129.00

September: 128.90

October: 65.40

November: 54.50

December: 141.9

Happy running!

Tedy’s Team Group Run – 10 Miles

I knew today I needed the group for this to be a successful 10 mile run. This would mark my longest run since the Rock 'n' Roll Los Angeles Half on October 27. Exactly. :P My teammate and ride, Meg, wouldn't be making it today so thankfully my dad swept in and was able to drop me off at Joint Ventures in Kenmore Square to meet the team. I was one of the first to arrive, which gave me ample time to use the foam rollers pre run.

Now if you remember from last week, I ended up behind the rest of the group because my Garmin was having trouble finding satellites. So this week I tried something new. I actually located satellites before I went into the building and kept my Garmin by the window while I stretched and chatted pre run. When I walked out the door with the group I was ready to rock and roll immediately. Yay!

I set out with Nanci, Cristina and Sara and as usual we fell right into conversation. The three of them actually ride to the runs together so we were talking about how having that accountability is so helpful to get to the training runs. It was also nice to talk with other runners about checking the ego at the door and knowing that these long runs aren't about pace, but putting in the miles.

Somewhere between Mile 1 and 2, I heard my name from someone behind me. It ended up being Erin, a girl who I met on the bus to Hopkinton/Start Line the morning of the Boston Marathon. How crazy is that? We met in line waiting for the buses and ended up sitting next to each other on the trek up there. Erin and I had a great conversation before heading to our separate charity houses. After the bombings, I always wondered what happened to Erin and her family (especially her dad who also ran as a qualified runner). It was GREAT to see her.

Erin didn't finish that year and is running in 2014 with the Melanoma Foundation. She let me know that from here on out she would be joining us for the Saturday long runs. Yay!

Mile 1: 9:29 Mile 2: 9:24 Mile 3: 9:15

Just after hitting Mile 3, we had our water stop. They always seem to come juuust at the right moment.

Thankfully I was so wrapped up in conversation with the crew that I wasn't even thinking about pace or my foot pain. Yet another reason why I like running with a group.

Mile 4: 9:15 -- a nice hill at BC. I use the term "nice" loosely. ;) We got to avoid it last week since it was the turnaround point for our 8-miler, but since we were doing the 10-miler this week - no such luck. :P I know hill training is necessary, especially for Boston, but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.

Nanci and I were booking up the hill together swapping Fundraising ideas, which is wicked helpful.

As we approached the Mile 5 turnaround, we were able to enjoy a downhill, but of course you have to turnaround at that point and the hill is there to welcome you back.

Mile 5: 9:10

After the turnaround, I ended up back next to Erin so it was a great time to learn more about each other.

Mile 6: 9:10

The water stop ended up at 6.92 miles. It was nice to know we had just 3 miles left to the Finish. I think the paces can show that we were in a good groove together.

Mile 7: 8:46 Mile 8: 8:46 Mile 9: 8:37 Mile 10: 8:39

I felt great after the 10-mile run. My foot pain was dull and constant, but it has been that way for months so it wasn't anything new. Otherwise the body felt great, especially with it being Day 31 of the #RWRunStreak.

John, our running coach, let us know that this route is actually hillier than last year because we are starting in a different spot. I just keep telling myself that it is worth it and I know it will be.

Before today's run I made egg whites and toast an hour before the run would start and I felt great. I think it was the perfect mix of protein and carbs. With every run, I tweak the pre-run fuel to find the perfect mix and I think this will definitely go into the rotation from here on out. Fueling is different for everyone and takes some trial and error for sure.

After chatting with the rest of the group and doing a little extra foam rolling, it was time to get a ride home from my mom and of course make a stop at Dunkins. I love a good post-long run iced coffee and hash browns ... worth every Point! ;)

Until next week's run...

***

Week 3 Workouts:

Sunday, December 22: 15 min walk to gym, 55 min Zumba class and 6 mile run

Monday, December 23: 4 mile run and 47 min Spin class

Tuesday, December 24: 30 min stairmaster, 30 min elliptical and 5 mile run

Wednesday, December 25: 3 mile run

Thursday, December 26: 3 mile run

Friday, December 27: 6 mile run

Saturday, December 28: 10 mile group run and a 1 hour gym/coffee date with a friend

***

Looking To Donate

Are you interested in helping to fight Stroke? Please feel free to click on the link HERE to share a donation. Wondering how much? How about $10 in honor of the 10 miles I ran today with Tedy's Team?

Dani Dishes 12-23-13

On this episode of Dani Dishes, I need to say THANK YOU to all of the readers/viewers/followers of mine! I even had to give a shout out to a few I was able to meet in real life this past week!

Tedy’s Team Group Run – 8 Miles

Layers - check Under Armour all tucked in - check

Garmin secure - check

Gloves on - check

Realizing at that moment that you have to pee ... UGH!!

Yes! That once again was my morning. Gotta love cold-weather running. :P

I took my ENERGYBits and stretched in my living room. Best all-natural pre-workout fuel in my opinion!

My teammate Meg, her husband Joshua and her brother Justin (also a member of Tedy's Team) picked me up this morning around 7:15am to head to our second team run of the season - a nice 8-miler on the docket.

When we met last week it was a balmy 12 degrees! :O) Today we were looking at high 30s/low 40s for the run. Oh New England!

The group - which is actually compiled of about 10 different charities - set out from Joint Ventures at 8am. I headed outside to have my Garmin "locate satellites" with everyone else and it just wouldn't connect. Everyone else's were working without problem. Since I am tracking all of my mileage this year for the goal of set, I needed my Garmin working. So I told my usual running group to go on ahead without me and I would catch up.

Ugh! Not how I wanted to start the run. I really wanted to run with people. It ended up taking my Garmin an extra 5 minutes to locate a satellite. I was finally off at 8:13am.

My headspace just wasn't right. I was trying to change it to think of how awesome the weather was and how excited I was to rock my Christmas socks again! :)

With the uncharacteristically warm weather today I had also put on too many layers so I was getting hot within the first mile. I was wearing my knit Patriots hat - as I do on almost every winter run - and I was sweating. So I tucked the hat into the back of my pants and make sure my shirt and vest would keep it secure.

Since I was thinking about so much, the first mile (9:04) passed quickly. I was at least 5 minutes behind the rest of the group so I wasn't sure if I would actually catch up to anyone or if I would just see everyone as we run an out-and-back route for our training runs.

Mile 2 (9:30) and Mile 3 (9:08) weren't anything special as I continued to try to get my head into a better space. I didn't want to be dwelling on things or miserable the entire run.

Thankfully I caught up to my teammate Jackie just after Mile 3 and invited myself to run with her for 4 miles. It was great to chat with her. Jackie has completed 13 marathons (PR of 3:55) and is currently training for her first Ironman (Lake Placid in July 2014). So it was great to chat with her about that, her past races and fundraising tips (she is a fundraising superstar!)

Having someone to chat with really turned my run around. We also ran with our teammate Cat for portions of Mile 3-7 too. I love picking these ladies' brains about triathlons since they are both season vets in that field. They were both there this summer when I did my first outdoor swim in the wetsuit days before my first triathlon. So thank you ladies for answering all those Facebook messages! ;)

Since Jackie was starting Ironman training she was on orders to scale back her usually speedy pace. I was loving it since I needed to work on keeping a consistently slow pace, which is needed for Dopey Challenge in a couple weeks.

We averaged about 10 minutes over those for miles:

Mile 4: 10:008 Mile 5: 9:58 Mile 6: 10:01 Mile 7: 9:59

I didn't realize until thinking about it now that I didn't once look at my pace while we were running together. I was so caught up in the conversation that I let that part of the run go. It was freeing. :)

Another bonus of running the same course week in and week out is becoming so familiar with your surroundings that you aren't worrying at all about make the right turn or getting lost. HUGE help!

I parted ways with Jackie for the last mile as she needed a pit stop. I decided to let the training wheels come off so to speak on the last mile and just go. I knew that Meg and crew would be waiting for me to finish and I didn't want to hold up their day any longer.

But, I had to stop and take a pic of a great sign I had seen at a random water stop earlier in the run.

Awesome, right? It had me thinking about cookies for quite some time.

This water stop was run by Molly, the President and Founder of Blue Trailer. Blue Trailer is a new local company that will be renting mobile lockers at road races. Brilliant idea in my opinion. It was so nice to meet Molly and can't wait to check out the mobile lockers at an upcoming race.

After saying bye to Molly, it was time to head back into Kenmore Square. As I ran over the final little incline/bridge into Kenmore, I looked to my right, there was Fenway Park and I remembered how lucky I am to train in such a special town. I turned back in front of me and there was the iconic CITGO sign.

Oh Boston you will always have my heart!

Right after snapping this photo, I hit the 8-mile mark. Mile 8 came in at an 8:10 min/mile pace. I guess the legs felt great.

This 8-mile run marked my longest run since completing the Rock 'n' Roll Los Angeles Half Marathon on October 27.

With the Dopey Challenge just two weeks away, it felt great to have a nice long run done and on Day 25 of the Runner's World Run Streak as well. Yes I would've liked it to be a pain-free 20-miler, but I am working with what I can right now.

Overall, this run was a tad trying at the beginning, but ended on a great note. Plus, it was pretty sweet to see my year-to-date mileage hit 1,089 after the run.

I love reconvening with the group post-run to stretch and hear how everyone else's runs went. It is a such a great community. As I've said I do most of my runs alone so it is great to find a group that I gel with and am happy to run with. Plus, you can always find someone who is running at your pace.

Plus, we are all crazy enough to take this undertaking on while raising money for a great cause - whichever charity it is that they are from. :)

Unfortunately it was also at that point that I realized I lost my knit Patriots hat somewhere along the course. :( At some point, it fell out of the back of my pants and was gone. I was almost in tears since I had an emotional connection with that hat. Now I will try and find a new hat for 2014.

Until next week's run...

***

Week 2 Workouts:

Sunday, December 15: 55 min Zumba class and 5k run

Monday, December 16: 3.9 mile run and 50 min Spin class

Tuesday, December 17: 3 mile run

Wednesday, December 18: 4 mile run, 17 min walk on treadmill and 55 min yoga class

Thursday, December 19: 3 mile run

Friday, December 20: 3 mile run and 2 hour coffee/walk date with a friend

Saturday, December 21: 8 mile group run

***

Looking To Donate

Are you interested in helping to fight Stroke? Please feel free to click on the link HERE to share a donation. Wondering how much? How about $8 in honor of the 8 miles I ran today with Tedy's Team?

My Grampa And A Dream...

I woke up this morning in tears. Like ugly crying face tears. I can't remember my dream vividly, but I know the last image I saw was my Grampa. At that point, I jolted awake with tears streaming down my face.

December 27th marks the 1-year anniversary of my Grampa unexpectedly passing away. With that tough anniversary coming up a mere 9 days from now I think that could have something to do with the dream.

But maybe there was more.

For those that don't know, I am a part of Tedy's Team because of my Grampa and my Gramma. Tedy's Team raises funds and awareness of the fight against Stroke. Both of my grandparents are Stroke survivors and thus my Stroke Heroes.

After my Grampa passed away, I kept his memory alive with me every step of the training towards the Boston Marathon this past April. I wrote Grampa on the inside of the Sparkly Soul headband I wore for every training run and the race itself.

I've always wanted to make him proud. So I took running in his memory to heart and made sure to give my all every training run and thought of him when I wanted to skip out on a workout because I was feeling lazy.

He has always been one of my role models and idols.

For the past month of so - okay probably longer - I have felt like something has been missing. I'm working to put a finger on what exactly that thing is, but I can't find it. I've gotten discouraged on my journey to figure out the piece I need to replace in the puzzle of my life.

I think my Grampa appeared in the dream to reignite my motivation and to remind me that he believes in me. Now, could this all be made up in my head?

Sure. Anything is possible.

But, I can tell you since waking up this morning, I have a renewed feeling of hope. The hope slowly dissipated as the discouragement took over.

So Grampa, thank you! Thank you for giving me just what I needed even when you are physically not here. :)

***

Have you ever woken up from a dream in tears?

Dani Dishes 12-16-13

On this episode of Dani Dishes, I want consistency and I am asking for your suggestions. I'm trying to curb the trend I have been on since moving back to Boston January 2012.  

Tedy’s Team Group Run – 6 Miles

12 degrees. 16 degrees. 17 degrees. Freakin' cold. All temperatures I saw forecasted for the first Tedy's Team group run of the 2014 Boston Marathon training season.

Ummm ... Yay?

I know I know. I live in Boston. I do this to myself. Yes I know that, but I like to delay the cold weather for as long as possible.

Every charity team conducts their training runs differently.

Tedy's Team has an amazing coach, John Furey, who helps with the long group runs on Saturday morning and also offers any running advice we need. Let me tell you this guy was a HUGE help to me when I saw him at Mile 20 of the Boston Marathon in April and experiencing immense right heel pain. If I didn't see him at Mile 20, get a pep talk and some swedish fish, I'm not sure how the last 10k of the race would have gone.

This year our group runs would start at Joint Ventures Physical Therapy and Fitness in Kenmore Square. It is a great deal since they have an area for us to store gear, a place to stretch, foam rollers to borrow and a place to call base camp after the run. The one benefit of moving where the group runs are being held is the avoidance of the hill on Beacon St. This was only a .3-mile long hill, but it was brutal to see at the end of a 10-,12- or even 18-miler. Now we can avoid that. Yay! Tiny victory. :P

It was GREAT seeing everyone this morning - lots of hugs and smiles.

Special thanks to my teammate Meg and her husband Josh were able to give me a ride in since the T would've taken over an hour on a Saturday morning. We made sure to meet the group in time for the 8am kickoff.

Since I usually train alone, I look forward to these Saturday runs with folks that have become great friends over the last year.

The mileage options for today were 6, 8 or 10 miles and I opted for the 6, which was perfect for today. :)

Meg, Cristina, Nancy and I headed out and it was like no time had passed since our last group run together back in April. We fell right into conversation and it was awesome. Thankfully Facebook has kept us connected since the Marathon.

I was looking to keep the pace light and at Mile 1 my Garmin pinged - 9:00 on the money. Perfect. It was just what I wanted to see. At that point, I flipped the Garmin over so the face was on the inside of my arm and tuned it out.

This run was about the people and the experience.

It was great seeing so many other charity teams taking to the streets of Boston as well. Many familiar faces from the year before.

Having run with Tedy's Team last year, it was great being back on familiar territory. Like coming home.

As we ran, we all chatted about the holidays and the impending snow storm. You know the usual winter topics in New England.

Mile 2: 9:20. Fine by me. As we hit Mile 2, you hit a more pedestrian area with more stopping/starting with street lights. But again, not about pace.

We hit Coolidge Corner and Meg and I were back in stride. We had done a majority of the training runs together last year. She is a faster runner than I am so I enjoyed being pushed by her each week. Plus the conversations were always great.

Mile 3: 8:59. And the turnaround. We hit Coolidge Corner and were ready to make our way back to base camp. For only 1/2 a second I thought about pushing it to the 8 then decided 6 was good. I have another run tomorrow so it is okay. :)

When we turned around we hit a bit of a downhill, which was lovely. Also the turnaround gave a great time for high-fives and waves to other teammates. I love the running community and high-fives.

Tedy's Team is awesome enough to also have a water stop (or more depending on distance) during the run which you can hit multiple times on the down-and-back course we run. So I need to thank John (coach) and Margaret for hanging out there in the freezing weather. We heated up as we ran - they didn't while they stood there. So thanks guys! Can't wait to see you each week. :)

Mile 4: 8:24. Here is where the old groove came back. We got caught up in conversation about the Marathon Bombings and our experiences and the legs did what they wanted. Around this time we met up with our teammate Carly who joined us for the remainder of the run.

Talk of how frozen our body parts were became topic. I just kept thinking about how it will only get colder folks. ;)

Mile 5: 8:00. Hello downhill. You were a glorious addition to Mile 5. I was the only one wearing a Garmin in our group - hey I gotta keep this mileage total accurate - so I was letting the ladies know that we only had a mile left before we could be inside.

It was odd not having the large Beacon St Hill looming in front of us for the final bit of the run, but I can say I didn't miss it one bit. :P We ended up finishing with a final mile of 8:13.

Not too shabby at all. My foot was sore the whole time, but nothing unbearable. I was hoping for an average pace around 8:45 before getting to the run this morning and was happy with an 8:39. I enjoy running with more skilled runners than I am as it is the push I need. Also, it is easier to push yourself when running with people.

We didn't waste time getting indoors once the run ended. It is nice to have a place to stretch and foam roll after a run. And you can catch up with everyone else to see how their runs went. The great thing about group runs is the range of paces and mileage being OWNED.

I tried to get a sneaky pic of the room/group. I will get better about taking pics with teammates over the course of the season. I love sharing other people's stories about why they are taking part.

But, in the end, no matter your pace or mileage, we are all there for one reason: charity. Each person is helping to raise awareness for and to fight either Stroke or whatever other cause they are running for. That bonds people together.

Until next week's run...

***

Week 1 Workouts:

Sunday, December 8: 55 min Zumba class and 3.9 mile run

Monday, December 9: 3 mile run and 47 min Spin class

Tuesday, December 10: 4 mile run

Wednesday, December 11: 5 mile run

Thursday, December 12: 2 mile run

Friday, December 13: 4 mile run

Saturday, December 14: 6 mile group run and gym date with a friend

***

Looking To Donate

Are you interested in helping to fight Stroke? Please feel free to click on the link HERE to share a donation. Wondering how much? How about $6 in honor of the 6 miles I ran today with Tedy's Team?

Eating Disorders And A Slip Up...

I messed up. I backtracked.

I gave in to an old habit.

This past weekend I made myself throw up after eating too much.

I was weak.

For those that don't know, I have battled both anorexia and bulimia. You can read a little about that here.

I never say I am someone who is healed. Those eating disorders haunt my thoughts and dreams to this day.

But thanks to Weight Watchers I learned that I could in fact lose weight in a healthy manner and control the urges.

This past weekend was different. I felt mentally weak. I ate too much. I felt sick. My immediate response was to purge.

How did I feel after the fact?

Horrible. Mentally exhausted. Ashamed. Weak. Like a failure.

Wow - crying while writing all this. Okay, I can do this.

I didn't want to do it. But I did. I have to accept that fact.

But I need to know I am stronger than that.

This was Saturday, December 7.

I didn't tell anyone. I wanted to hide it. I wanted to ignore it happened.

But it ate at my soul and my self-esteem.

I am not defined by the eating disorders I have suffered from.

I am human.

It is the first time I have slipped up in well over a year.

But it shows that I am not 100% rid of eating disorders or the mental side of them.

I'm not sure if anyone truly is.

Can I take good away from this situation?

Yes.

I recognized why it happened and I know the next time I feel the urge. I will reach out to someone. I will not be afraid to show weakness. I will ask for help.

Because when I don't ask for help - I suffer.

Phew! I feel better already getting it out there.

Eating disorders are tough. They consume you mentally and physically.

I knew that I hit rock bottom with them in 2006. In terms of anorexia and bulimia. Over this last year, however, I've come to realize that I also was a binge eater and closet eater.

Whenever home alone in high school, college or thereafter, I would eat and hide the evidence. I didn't want people to know what I had done. I didn't want them to see my shame. In my mind I would say I was a "boredom" eater, but that wasn't the case. I was burying emotions deep down by food. I was finding comfort in chips.

I lived in the Boston area until I finally moved to San Francisco in 2007. Once I left Boston, I worked hard to stop the closet/binge eating. You know trying to start fresh.

When I started planning to move back to Boston in early January 2012, I was scared. Would all the old habits come back? I would be working odd hours with Weight Watchers and spending much of my time during the week alone. The thought of the old habits coming back terrified me. Especially since we would be housing with my parents until we found an apartment. They would have foods that I had banned from the house since starting WW - aka trigger foods.

WW and tracking saved me this time around. Many people dislike the fact that WW stresses "tracking" your food choices. But for me I HAVE to. If I don't track, it "doesn't count." Will I ever reach a point where I don't have to track? Maybe.

For now I need to track for more than just knowing what I have, it keeps these eating disorders in check.

I know that ended up going on a total random tangent there. But I had to get these thoughts out.

Please know if you are someone suffering from an eating disorder, you are not alone! Reach out to a friend or me. I am happy to listen.

I am human. I slipped up. That slip up, however, does not define me.

I live. I learn.