Almost every day I feel like I can go from the highs of highs and sink to the lows of lows.
My gut reaction when someone asks "How are you?" is to respond with a peppy "Awesome" or "Amazing."
But on certain days all I can muster is an "I'm Fine."
I'm Fine can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people and I think for me 9 times out of 10 it is...
It's so overwhelming and heavy when that feeling hits. That feeling of nothingness.
I wish I could blink it away or just snap my fingers and have it disappear.
But it isn't the case. It is something I have worked through and dealt with since high school.
Depression isn't a subject to be taken lightly. So when I feel the familiar pains, I try to prepare myself for what's coming.
Unlike the days of high school where I hid the pain and the suffering with a smile, I now allow myself to feel the feels.
Because it's okay NOT to be okay!
It took me YEARS to learn and accept that.
For years, I thought if I disappeared no one would care or notice. Since then I have learned that is not the case, but the demons in my brain can keep making me try to believe that.
It becomes a battle between the level-headed me and the demons.
So I fight.
The difference between the me in high school and the me now?
I want to keep fighting.
I know I deserve to be happy.
I know people would miss me if I was gone.
So I tackle the daily battle because I know it is all inside my head.
I relish and celebrate the good days.
I coddle and hand hold the bad.
But either way I come out victorious because now I know the bad days will pass.
I just wish that some day the bad days would slink back into the darkness and leave my precious head alone.
I think if I keep working on it - it will.
Someday I can leave the words I'm Fine behind...