14 Years Ago Today...
/I started this little slice of the internet known as - Weight Off My Shoulders!
There was so much of my life, especially from 2011-2017, that I shared here in this space. Once I left the comfort zone of living in the US and became an #ExPat in The Netherlands, I struggled to groove out the time I wanted to spend here.
The people and experiences I have gained thanks to this page are too many to count. I am a lucky lady for what I have received because one day I woke up and said I was no longer hiding my struggles and sharing them here.
It started as a way for me to document the journey I was on, but it became more. It was a place where I could realise I wasn’t alone. There were other people who were going through what I was going through (lack of self-confidence, struggling with weight loss, exploring a new hobby like running, eating disorders, etc).
I’ve made small efforts over the past 8 years to get myself back into the groove to write here, not for clicks, but to continue to use this space to let go of the topics that hound my brain, to celebrate fitness endeavours or share the amazing travel experiences with living in Europe.
I’m coming into this anniversary with gratitude and with a cautious optimisim that I can get back to a state mentally where I can release what continues to weigh me down…
You might be saying to yourself: “Gurl! Why are you setting yourself up for failure?”
To that I say…
I kiiiiiddddd! I am trying to be gentler with myself. Celebrating what I do do (ha! doo doo).
With that, it is time to do one of my lovely brain dumps where I just word vomit all over this screen. So what has really happened over the last 3+ years.
Burnout
In all honesty, I’ve probably been burnt out most of my professional career, but it came to the head in 2022. While trying to hold everything together at work, I let myself fall to the back burner (my health, my happiness, etc). It truly broke my soul and once I tried to get help it felt as if no one was listening to me. There is sick leave in the Netherlands that is specifically there to support people who are burnt out, etc, but for some reason I wasn’t one of those people. Instead of being met by support from HR or the government appointed doctor, I was faced with roadblocks and people telling me that I wasn’t burnt out - I just needed to work on my time management or get a business coach.
Oookkk folks! I was doing 3 people’s jobs within 60-70 hours of work and if anything that sounds like some damn good time management. Am I right?
In parallel, I was trying to take action into my own hands to find a therapist. I contacted 40 therapists and had only 1 come back saying they could speak to me. The rest were either: Dutch-speaking only, not covered by insurance or had waitlists of 6+ months. That is telling us that this country is not equipped to handle the needs of the people.
Note: I could’ve paid out of pocket, but I was frustrated with the process and wanted to force the system to provide me support which would be covered by the insurance I pay for.
Anyway with a disappointed heart and a feeling like I was imaging it all, I gave up trying to find help. I opted to just suck it up and just keep grinding through each day with the tears & exhaustion I was not getting used to.
Therapy
As I mentioned, I contacted 40 (yes 40) therapists within Amsterdam area, but let me back up. I had gone to my doctor’s office where I see a number of different doctors in January 2023 asking for a referral to a therapist as I learned from friends that was the protocol. However the GP I happened to see that day told me that she could not give me a blanket referral but I needed to come back to her with the name of the therapist and then she would give me a referral.
I got that one name and went back to the doctors for a second time. This time it was a different person and he actually listened to me, contacted someone else within the practice and they came back to me with the referral as well as a personal email they sent on my behalf to the organisation to stress how I needed help ASAP. I was finally able to start with a therapist (after a lengthy vetting process) in May 2023 (yes it took that long). But for the first time in ages, I had felt some hope. It was a younger therapist who was Dutch, but had lived in the US previously so she understood both cultures (at least slightly). We worked well together and some hope was turning to me until she dropped the news on me that in the fall 2023 she would be leaving the world of therapy and starting to work in design. Ohhh while happy for her I felt defeated. The journey to get to this point had been tiring. I worked with her to find a new therapist within her organisation but that person didn’t work out so we tried a third person. She also meant well but I wasn’t feeling the connection.
Once the manager of the organisation made the comment “your file is getting thick,” I was back to feeling self-conscious and wondering if I was once again doing something wrong. Did I not know how to do therapy? Like how I didn’t know how to properly prove I was burnt out?
With the final straw coming when the organisation took me out of the decision-making process and I was again on my own.
Medication
The straw that broke the camel’s back with the first therapy organisation here in Amsterdam was when I made the request for medication. I had spoken to enough of my friends and close confidants to know that it was what I needed to try. The constant living on high-alert, the anxiety attacks, the panic attacks & the constantly being on the edge of tears or actually crying was putting me over the edge.
The psychiatrist of that group told me that it was decided I was on the personality disorder spectrum not on the anxiety spectrum. Well that’s odd - no one had ever brought that topic up to me at all so it caught me severly off guard. As a result, I was not a candidate for medication unless it was one that I would use only when I felt I needed it. Well sir how was I supposed to know when to use it. He said I would know. Well that wasn’t going to work since I couldn’t predict when the anxiety would be all consuming. I couldn’t know when I would feel like the world was collapsing around me.
He did say I could go off and think about what medication I thought I needed and come back to him. Well certainly not sure that’s how it works, but off I went.
I worked with an amazing friend/therapist in the US to write back to him with a well-planned email on why I should be given anxiety medication and what brand. He again responded: No.
I returned to the doctor for the third time on the topic (and FINALLY!) she heard me and made something happen. She got me in to an emergency therapist within the GP and provided me a 30-day trial of the anxiety medication (lexapro).
I am eternally grateful for this woman who finally listened to what I had to say and actioned on it.
I started the medication in January 2023 and immediately felt the impact. I had no idea how much of a stronghold the anxiety had over me and how it impacted my mental, but also psychical well-being.
The therapist at the GP swept in with kindness, understanding and action. She assured me she would stay with me until we found a new therapist that was a fit… and it happened. I have now been with my current therapist, Berna, for just over a year and I’m thankful for her every day. The psychiatrist at this organisation welcomed my use of anxiety medication and has been a calming presence in my life since our first conversation. She is someone I can whatsapp to get advice and to see what else I can do - additional Vitamin D, etc.
Injury
If you have made it this far - give yourself a hug and a high-five - and maybe comment something that makes you happy so I know you’ve made it.
The other biggest curveball the past few years has been the hip injury that just wouldn’t heal itself. Leading to a break from running that I hated to see. I am thankful that I have had amazing physical therapists along the way and I think I am finally making progress where I see a light towards really returning to running in the way that makes my heart happy.
Happiness
The bulk of the above brain dump has been full of the hurdles I’ve navigated, but I need to stress the happiness that has gone alongside it. The friends I have are carrying me through these hurdles and keeping me smiling, laughing and leaving the house when I didn’t think it was possible.
Additionally, the wife and I have had a blast traveling - can you believe we have now been to 20 different countries together - and even started a Youtube channel to document it on. Have you subscribed to Castles and Canals?
It has taken me awhile to finally be able to disconnect from work while on holiday and I’m not 100% there, but I am able to actually recharge like I should’ve been doing the entire time.
What’s Next
I had a bit of a meltdown a few weekends ago saying “I am doing so much, but I feel like I’m making no progress.” I said this because:
I meet my therapist once a week
I’ve restarted physical therapy
I spent the last 7 months focusing on fixing my smile with my local orthodontist so I could be proud to smile
I’m working on improving my sleep
I see a nutrionist and refocusing on my health
But it still feels like I am not getting to where I want to be.
Where do I want to be?
I want to be happy, less stressed, comfortable in my own body, feeling like I belong, more self-confident.
When I look back to my first blog posts, I wanted the same things. Here I am 14 years later still working on those items.
Does that make me a failure?
Initially, I say yes.
But I will change that answer. I’ve had such ups and downs during those years and I have too many wins to celebrate to say I haven’t learned or grown or won over the last 14 years.
Now it’s time for me to continue to fight. I will only fail… when I stop trying!
Are you up for the ride?
