So yesterday while doing my run, P!nk’s F*ckin’ Perfect came on. I have listened to this song hundreds of times being the big P!nk fan that I am, but for some reason certain lyrics really hit me yesterday…
-- You're so mean, When you talk about yourself, You are wrong. Change the voices in your head Make them like you instead.
So complicated, Look how big you'll make it! Filled with so much hatred Such a tired game. It's enough, I've done all I can think of Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same. [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/pink/in_perfect.html ] Oh, Pretty, pretty please Don't you ever, ever feel Like your less than f*ckin' perfect. Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel Like your nothing You're f*ckin' perfect to me.
The whole world stared so I swallowed the fear, The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer. So cool in line and we try, try, try, But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time. Done looking for the critics, coz they're everywhere They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair We change ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that? (Why do I do that?)
It is really true? I agree with her. I don’t honestly know why I am so hard on myself? Why am I so mean to myself? As soon as I do something wrong, the first thought in my head is “you’re an idiot.” It really shouldn’t be that way, but as I have written before I don’t know how to change that. Maybe because the negative thinking as been my way of life for so long that it takes more time to end the cycle?
I am learning through this process (surviving back surgery, training for the half marathon, losing weight, etc) that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. I can do more than I think I can. I can complete any task I put my mind to.
So why do I always put myself down? Why can I only find the faults, while the rest of the world can see the positives?
I really want to be one of those super confident people, but I just can’t figure out how to do that. I wish there was a little switch in my head that I could turn on and confidence would exude from my mind. But, I don’t think doctors have discovered that yet.
Honestly, whenever someone gives me a compliment. My brain automatically goes into a different mode: “They are obviously trying to butter me up to ask for something. What do they want?” “Are they really trying to tell me this looks bad?” “They are just telling me that to being nice.”
I want to be able to live like the song lyrics, but for some reason, my brain just cannot think positively or accept a compliment for what it is…