Yesterday morning I had a rough mental start to the day. Do you all have that? I was getting ready for work, doing my makeup and looking in the mirror. But, all I saw staring back at me, was my old overweight face. Staring back at me was the 217 lb version of myself. So often, I still think of myself as that overweight person. I can't shake it. I know so much of losing weight and transforming your body is also transforming the mental aspect. That is by far my toughest challenge. How do you do it?
Last night, I had a happy weightloss moment. I put on my bridesmaids dress from my friend's wedding in December 2009, zipped it up ... and it fell off me. I could actually get it over my hips while it was still zipped. Yay! That was crazy.
But, as soon as I took it off and put my normal clothes back on, I went right back into the usual mentality of ... I have more to lose. I need to work on my stomach. I need to work on my love handles. I need to work on my thighs. Why won't they just get smaller.
Those are the constant thoughts in my mind. I can enjoy a victory for a moment or so, but as soon as I am over it - my mind goes back to what I still need to fix.
Today, I had a major weight loss moment. I went to Lululemon to get some new workout clothes (since I wear the pants I have now on a daily basis). I immediately went for the biggest sizes in the store (12), but when the woman handed me the jacket she actually gave me a 10 ... and it fit. Say whhaaa?? It fit. I could close it.
Then I went to get new pants and the woman wanted to suggest a pair of pants made for running. She went off to get the pants and I put them on without looking ... they were a size 10. Say whhaaa?? They fit.
Everyone at the store thought it looked amazing. All I could think of was: my thighs look huge! My butt is saggy. I think you can see my rolls on the side.
Same thing happened with this outfit:
I allowed myself to purchase these outfits - trusting the people around me that they were being honest with me that I looked okay in them ... since I didn't trust my own thoughts.
There are days, ok everyday, that I wish I could just look at myself and be happy. I know this is a mental thing I need to work through, but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I am always looking forward rather than truly appreciating where I have come from. I can appreciate it for a moment or two before my mind reverts back.
I do the same thing with compliments. I accept them as I hear them, but as soon as it is done - my mind immediately negates it with something I could be doing better. For example, someone the other day said you should be so happy to have completed a Half Marathon ... all I could respond with was, "Sure, I just wish I could've run it faster." My mind took the compliment and immediately flipped it.
Since I have been overweight for so long, I have gotten really good at self-depricating humor. I mean, if I made fun of myself first it would then stop someone else from making fun of me. Well, my mind just can't stop it. I can't give myself a compliment or allow myself to enjoy a success without pointing out how I could've done it better or how someone else rocked it more.
All of this really comes to head when people say to be "you are an inspiration." My mind just can't wrap around that. I see all these other people who have lost two or three times the weight I have and find them to be the inspirations! I want to help people and love turning people on to Weight Watchers and fitness, but I do not consider myself among the inspirations that are out there.
I want to be positive. I want to accept the compliments. I want to inspire. I want to accept me.
How do you overcome the doubting inner demons?