Being surrounded by such awesomeness this last weekend at Fitbloggin' should've made me feel stronger but it just reopened my pit of insecurities that I've been trying - failing at attempting - to fill with self love for so long. *Why did I deserve to be there?
*How could I have thought I was a good enough blogger to attend this conference?
*Self said: No one knows who you are or reads your blog any way - this will just confirm that.
*Self said: You won't be anyone's Rock Star moment.
*What was I thinking signing up for this conference?
And at one point, I even got up during a session and shared. As soon as I stepped away from the mic, I thought "What the hell was I thinking?" I didn't say what I really wanted to (forgot from nerves) and then thought what I did say was pointless.
Insecure. Fraud. Lame. Unworthy. Poser.
All thoughts that were going through my head during this past weekend.
Inside I just wondered if Roni, the organizer, would tap on my shoulder and tell me to peace on out.
Someone would just walk up to me and find some big zipper that started at my head and went to my feet on the body I have, take it off like a jacket, reveal the 217.4 lb me from 2009 and make me leave.
When someone told me I was awesome, I just wondered if they felt obligated to say that. You know, since I had spent the money to get to the conference I clearly thought I deserved to be there so let me think that to.
I am wicked good at spiraling these emotions out of control rather quickly, huh?
And with all that said, I did feel genuine love. The hugs were needed. The feeling of acceptance - being surrounded by people that have gone through similar life experiences - made me feel normal.
But, I need to continue to work on that whole self acceptance thing and know that I do deserve the opportunities I have right now in life.
I deserve to be happy.
Now if I can just get a shovel and start filling that pit of insecurities from this weekend with - the hugs ... the Love Yous ... and the Pride from stepping, no leaping, out of my own comfort zone - I will be a-okay!