For years I felt those emotions, but always kept them tucked away safely inside. A deep place inside my head where no one would see them or be any the wiser.
There were so many times I would just sit in my room or look out the window and think:
*Would anyone notice if I wasn't here?
*Would anyone come to my funeral?
*Would the world be better off without me?
*If I decide to end it all, how do I do it?
So for many years, I etched little emotional scars on my heart, my self-esteem and in my brain with each of those self-deprecating thoughts.
All the while, keeping a happy-go-lucky attitude and smile on my face the entire time.
I think it shocked my friends when I finally started opening up about the dark thoughts inside my head because they didn't match my outside personality.
But then in 2006, I started allowing the internal emotional scars turn physical...
I began cutting.
I first touched on this subject in October 2011.
At first I was embarrassed of the scars that line my wrists, but now I wear those scars as a reminder of how far I have come.
I look at my wrists daily - realize that I am in a much better place now and give thanks that I was able to overcome those dark dark times. The other - more strategic - scars I don't see as often, but you still know they are there.
I am happy that I didn't end up giving in to those suicidal thoughts ... that I found some light in those dark times to keep going.
What it was? I have no idea. I'm sure deep down I didn't want to end it all, but whatever it is - it was there in my subconscious.
So now I give thanks because I have a life that I would've been PISSED to have missed.
I have a wonderful wife ... I have two loving pups ... I have friends that have seen me at my best and my worst and love me either way ... I have found a passion for running, fitness and health that I never thought possible.
These days I no longer have to hide those dark thoughts inside my heart or my brain.
I can now write them down in my little slice of the internet, own them and move on.
I no longer need to hold tight to the notion that no one would understand or that no one wants to hear my pain or hurt.
But I would be lying if I didn't share that the thoughts to cut again never crossed my mind. They have. When feeling like I am spiraling out of control or making incorrect decisions, the need to "punish myself" can churn up inside of me.
Now when I feel these dark thoughts, I look to my right wrist and remember:
I am still learning
I put this on my wrist as a reminder. I am still learning about myself and how to overcome addictions, like cutting.
If you are experiencing something similar to this, please reach out. There is no reason to go through this type of pain alone.
These days I can now share the new thoughts that have replaced the old...