Mirrors. I have never been a fan of them. To be expected when I have been overweight most of my life. Even now that I have become slightly more comfortable with my new body, I am still not a big fan of them. When we moved into our new apartment in August, it took my wife and I a few weeks to realize that we didn't have a single full length mirror in the entire apartment. All we had was one small mirror above the sink in the bathroom.
After making the wife take iPhone pics of me when I had to see how an outfit looked, we decided it was finally time to buy a full length mirror. So now we have one. Well, it is sitting on the floor in the bedroom ... progress right? Now, I just do a nice squatting move to see myself in it. Maybe we will hang it up soon ... but what's the rush? :0)
Back in September, I wrote about how sometimes I look in the mirror and see the old me staring back. It is something that still holds true today. Despite losing 58 lbs, I still look up and see the old me staring back. Could be one reason I still don't like looking in the mirror.
Well, this morning, I took a leap. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and just looked. I didn't let myself look away. I just stared back into my own eyes and...
I could see:
Pride. How could I not be proud of myself when I really let myself see the new me. I have been strong. I have been committed to something for two solid years. I could've given up. I could've gotten lazy. But, I haven't. If I have faltered, I have gotten back on plan. I have kept going ... forward!
Determination. I have set a goal and I want to meet it. I don't like failing. I don't like letting myself down. I don't like letting other people down. I have gained such a support group over the past year that I keep you all with me. You were on my shoulder this morning in the bathroom - looking at me too. Giving me your constant support.
Fear. What if I fail? What if I let this large support group down? What if I can't keep it off? What if I stop losing? What if I let one bad day lead into two weeks or a month? What if I disappoint myself? What if I disappoint you all?
It is kind of a double edged sword when you open your journey up to the world. I love that I have that support and accountability, but on the other side, I have that many people watching my every move. Everything I eat - I post. Every weigh-in - gain or loss - I post. I am happy I have taken this route - started this blog - but I also fear that I will fail.
But, the thought of failing, keeps me going. I know that if I do have an off week or I get off course, you all will bring me back. You want me to succeed as much as I do and I thank you for that.
Love. For the first time in a long time, I really do overall like - okay love -for myself. I have, and will always be, my own worst critic. But, little by little, during this journey I am allowing myself to accept the compliments from others. I am allowing myself to like who I am. I do not have to be perfect. I don't have to succeed at everything on the first try. I just have to keep trying. I like that about me ... I LOVE that about me.
Inspiration. This is a hard one for me to really grasp my head around. I am just me. I am nothing special, but I can see that I inspire others to take their weight loss or fitness journey into their own hands. Sharing my story has helped others look at their own lives and work to improve what they can. Wow! That is a huge responsibility that I am happy and honored to undertake. Helping others, helps me. This drives me to hit Lifetime with Weight Watchers so I can someday be a WW leader!
Dislike. I know this looks like it should negate the "love" I saw. But, I am a work in progress. There are still things I see that I don't like. Why can't I decide where the weight I lose comes from? My fingers are skinny enough, let's get some weight off my butt. Ya know? There are things about me I still dislike, but as I wrote about I "overall" like myself a lot more than I have in the past. That - is progress!
Taking time to really look at myself in the mirror is something that I need to start doing more regularly. Really checking in with what is going on in my brain. I am working every day to see what others see in me ...