Yesterday during my run I was being a complete Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer. I'm really not sure why. I think it I was sad to be running alone. I really love solo runs, but there are just times that you want someone by your side - to chat with, rant with or to just keep the pace going. But, since leaving Chicago, I haven't found a consistent running partner for my weekday morning runs. Thankfully there have been people to go to 5ks with - meet up before and after. But, the training runs are a different story. It really made me miss my old running partner-therapist-hair stylist-friend Ellie. She was a huge motivator and thankfully still is. We still compete running wise even though we are over 1,000 miles away.
But, I digress...
As I was running, I was letting all the negative thoughts about myself creep back in. Not sure why. I tried to banish them away. I kept coming back with some positives. But, I was just in a negative place.
Hey, it happens. I know we have all been there before.
So then I tried to think about where all my negative thoughts stemmed from. Since for me, negative self talk has been around since I can remember.
Then it hit me ... the first time I remember becoming conscious about my body and my body image.
(I don't think I have shared this story with you before, but if I have - sorry, but it bears repeating)
It was 1995. Summer. I was in seventh grade. I was ROCKIN' my Notre Dame football jersey and some shorts. I know. Epitomy of style. Also, not sure how I didn't know then that I was gay. :P
But, I was standing with my mom waiting for the bus and a car of like four guys drove by ... and "moo"-ed at me.
Yup, that's right.
They actually "moo"-ed at me.
I thought this was something that only happened in the movies or something, but nope. There it was.
And that memory has stuck with me ever since.
Whenever I get upset with myself over "messing up" and going over my points for the day or gaining on the scale or not tracking or not going to the gym - it is the first thing I think about.
I think that instance dropped the little negativity seed in the back of my mind that I let grow. Any other negative comment that someone made about me, just watered the little seed and let it grow. Until, after years, it became this huge living creature all in my brain.
Thankfully with the help of Weight Watchers and one kick ass support system, I've started - for lack of a better word - pruning the negativity plant in my brain down. Little by little, I'm becoming more confident and more impressed with who I am and who I am becoming.
So there isn't a huge moral to this story but just a glimpse into how one action can cause a serious reaction to one person's life. And I'm not talking about externally, but rather internally.
I allowed this one moment in my life to shape how I thought about myself for years to come. The ramifications can't be fully understood.
But, as I said. I will take each day and work to cut that negativity tree back until it's nothing...