I messed up. I backtracked.
I gave in to an old habit.
This past weekend I made myself throw up after eating too much.
I was weak.
For those that don't know, I have battled both anorexia and bulimia. You can read a little about that here.
I never say I am someone who is healed. Those eating disorders haunt my thoughts and dreams to this day.
But thanks to Weight Watchers I learned that I could in fact lose weight in a healthy manner and control the urges.
This past weekend was different. I felt mentally weak. I ate too much. I felt sick. My immediate response was to purge.
How did I feel after the fact?
Horrible. Mentally exhausted. Ashamed. Weak. Like a failure.
Wow - crying while writing all this. Okay, I can do this.
I didn't want to do it. But I did. I have to accept that fact.
But I need to know I am stronger than that.
This was Saturday, December 7.
I didn't tell anyone. I wanted to hide it. I wanted to ignore it happened.
But it ate at my soul and my self-esteem.
I am not defined by the eating disorders I have suffered from.
I am human.
It is the first time I have slipped up in well over a year.
But it shows that I am not 100% rid of eating disorders or the mental side of them.
I'm not sure if anyone truly is.
Can I take good away from this situation?
I recognized why it happened and I know the next time I feel the urge. I will reach out to someone. I will not be afraid to show weakness. I will ask for help.
Because when I don't ask for help - I suffer.
Phew! I feel better already getting it out there.
Eating disorders are tough. They consume you mentally and physically.
I knew that I hit rock bottom with them in 2006. In terms of anorexia and bulimia. Over this last year, however, I've come to realize that I also was a binge eater and closet eater.
Whenever home alone in high school, college or thereafter, I would eat and hide the evidence. I didn't want people to know what I had done. I didn't want them to see my shame. In my mind I would say I was a "boredom" eater, but that wasn't the case. I was burying emotions deep down by food. I was finding comfort in chips.
I lived in the Boston area until I finally moved to San Francisco in 2007. Once I left Boston, I worked hard to stop the closet/binge eating. You know trying to start fresh.
When I started planning to move back to Boston in early January 2012, I was scared. Would all the old habits come back? I would be working odd hours with Weight Watchers and spending much of my time during the week alone. The thought of the old habits coming back terrified me. Especially since we would be housing with my parents until we found an apartment. They would have foods that I had banned from the house since starting WW - aka trigger foods.
WW and tracking saved me this time around. Many people dislike the fact that WW stresses "tracking" your food choices. But for me I HAVE to. If I don't track, it "doesn't count." Will I ever reach a point where I don't have to track? Maybe.
For now I need to track for more than just knowing what I have, it keeps these eating disorders in check.
I know that ended up going on a total random tangent there. But I had to get these thoughts out.
Please know if you are someone suffering from an eating disorder, you are not alone! Reach out to a friend or me. I am happy to listen.
I am human. I slipped up. That slip up, however, does not define me.
I live. I learn.