I'm in a state where I have a lot to say, but no idea where to start, which as a blogger that is a tough tough place to be in. I immediately second guess if I should be blogging, why I am doing it and if I can continue sharing the crazy stuff that goes on in my head.
Then I pull back to reality and remind myself that I need this space for ME!
During my sweaty sweaty sweaty run last night - did I mention it was sweaty - I thought about how much better my soul feels when I get the emotions/thoughts that run rampant in my brain OUT!
So let's just dive into what I thought about during that run last night...
For many years, I etched little emotional scars on my heart, my self-esteem and in my brain with self-deprecating, negative and sometimes suicidal thoughts.
All the while, keeping a happy-go-lucky attitude and smile on my face the entire time.
I think it shocked my friends when I finally started opening up about the dark thoughts inside my head because they didn't match my outside personality.
But then in 2006, I started allowing the internal emotional scars turn physical...
I began cutting.
It was my escape. It was my punishment. It was my coping mechanism.
I think about it often, but especially this week. In Weight Watchers meetings this week, we are sharing how we recover from a "slip up" or a gain on the scale. Well when I used to "mess up" in any facet of my life (food, work, school, friends) I cut my wrists as punishment. I would hide the evidence with big bracelets or wristbands.
I thought I was so sneaky and no one would notice... I was wrong. Two of my friends had an intervention/sit down with me when they figured out not only that I was cutting, but that I was barely eating. It was after this discussion I reached out or help. While therapy didn't work for me, knowing other people had picked up on my bad habit made me want to stop.
It wasn't easy. And I would be lying if I said that I still don't think about doing it. It is like a gut reaction when I "mess up." But it has been years - thankfully - since I've cut.
At first I was embarrassed of the scars that line my wrists, but now I wear those scars as a reminder of how far I have come.
I look at my wrists daily - realize that I am in a much better place now and give thanks that I was able to overcome those dark dark times.
I am happy that I didn't end up giving in to those suicidal thoughts in high school ... that I found some light in those dark times to keep going.
What it was? I have no idea. I'm sure deep down I didn't want to end it all, but whatever it is - it was there in my subconscious.
So now I give thanks because I have a life that I would've been PISSED to have missed.
I have a wonderful wife ... I have two loving pups ... I have friends that have seen me at my best and my worst and still love me ... I have found a passion for running, fitness and health that I never thought possible.
These days I no longer have to hide those dark thoughts inside my heart or my brain. I can now write them down in my little slice of the internet, own them and move on.
I no longer need to hold tight to the notion that no one would understand or that no one wants to hear my pain or hurt. I share now to show you that YOU are not alone. I am here to listen.
Wow! As always, I feel better and am ready to continue this day. Thank you interwebs for giving me a safe space to share. I will continue to think of my well-being first over whether I should or shouldn't write something based on whether someone will or will not read it.
Release the emotions and take a Weight off your shoulders!