Since recommitting to my weight loss journey in June 2014, I've been doing my best to weigh-in weekly and share my tracker numbers. Not so much for others, but to hold myself accountable. The past few weeks have been the worst numbers I've tracked since joining Weight Watchers. Now I'm not saying they have been my worst weeks since joining WW since there have been MANY a time where I wouldn't track the really really really ugly!
But in 2015 I vowed to reclaim the consistency I lacked in 2014 so that means honest tracking! I mean if I track the 29 pts of Peanut M&Ms I had as 9 - that may look better, but the lying harms no one but myself. I might as well track honestly, own the slip-up/indulgence/treat and move on!
As we have talked about chain reactions, slip-ups and attitude adjustments over the past few weeks in WW meetings, honest tracking has impacted my relationship in all three of those areas... for the better!
So this past week was no different. Well, it was. For the past few weeks I had been sharing my tracker throughout the week on Twitter or Facebook for extra accountability. To try and help myself crawl back out of the negative. Now I was too far gone to actually get out of the negative, but I could chip away at it.
But this week I didn't. I stopped sharing it in some of the group texts I was in too. Why? Judgement. I try to create a judgement free zone on my social media channels, but it still exists. Some of the comments I got in response to my trackers were hurtful. So I thought I would save myself those comments and pain. I know some of the people are projecting their feelings about their own journeys on to me and I understand that... it just doesn't make it any less painful.
This week was a step back. I still shared with a couple of people, but for the most part I used the tracker as my own feedback.
The feedback? It was the ugliest I had ever tracked. BUT I tracked it all. Every delicious cookie and splurge were tracked, owned and accounted for.
While I am not happy to see such a negative number, I am proud of recording it.
For the third week in a row, I prepped my mind for a gain. I used the same alarm label as the week before: "You are more than a number." I didn't want to weigh-in. I wanted to hide from the scale, but I am more than a number. I needed to face the scale for feedback and to be able to once again attempt to start the week on a fresh clean page.
So Friday I got on the scale and for the third week I was shocked...
... another loss!
I again thanked the scale gods and ran away as quickly as possible. :P I cannot explain why I am so in the negative and still losing. Maybe my body needed the change? I don't really know. But as soon as the loss happened I didn't want to share. Those same people who judged me for a negative tracker also had seemed wicked annoyed that I was losing while it was happening. #Ouch
Now while training I have been trying to lose so my tracker was set for a 29 DPT (Daily Points Target). Maybe that was low? Maybe my body wanted more? I am not sure.
But I know it will be an adjustment after the marathon --- which is just a week away!
This week I am focusing on fueling for the marathon. Adding in some healthy carbs and trying to keep the snackey foods at bay. Marathon weekend will be filled with social engagements and running. Shocking I know! ;)
I made a rule with myself. If I tracked every day from the return from Disney (Feb 25) to the Thursday of marathon weekend (April 16), I wouldn't make myself track Marathon weekend (Friday-Tuesday). Again this doesn't mean all food habits are thrown out the window, it just means I won't have to worry about tracking them all during this stressful/fun weekend.
Food Find Of The Week: Bolthouse Farms Miso Ginger Vinaigrette!
Absolutely delicious and my new obsession. 45g of dressing = 1PPV!
I've never had a particularly good relationship with my body. I've never been one of those people with a positive body image. I'm the master of picking myself apart. Instead of improving as I lost weight, I've found it has gotten worse. I can now see more of the imperfections that were hidden behind/around/under layers of fat.
But when I share on social media or with friends about my excess skin, I normally get a confused look. Many folks think that I have none after losing over 85 lbs. I mean you are seeing me in compression pants or running shorts - those things can sometimes suck in all the imperfections we want to hide.
Folks don't see what I see when I look in the mirror - which I try to avoid. Folks don't see what I see when I bend over after getting out of the shower. Folks don't see what I see when I do my planks in just a sports bra and pants.
So I thought it was time I shared what I see... or at least attempt to.
We can start with the standing and side view.
We could debate all day and night what I see compared to what others see. But I know that I am lucky to not have as much skin hanging down as others do. But the skin is still there and it still hangs.
So I now share with you what I see when I look down during planks.
Note: I almost didn't write/share these thoughts because I knew there would be people saying that my thoughts on my amount of excess skin wouldn't be valid since it isn't as extreme as other weight-loss stories. But then I remembered that my blog is a place for me to share my feelings. So I gave myself a butt kicking and here it is. :)
It was scary to have my wife snap these pics as I had a picture in my mind of what the skin looked like, but this was actual documentation. Does that make sense?
Now I am not ashamed or embarrassed by these pics. I know it is a result of changing my life and deciding one day that I was worth a healthier lifestyle.
Do I wish I could just cut it off and have it gone? Sure.
But for now I will hold on to it as a reminder of the struggles I have gone through, the amazing changes I have made and the past that I refuse to go back to.
While my excess skin may not be as much or as loose as others, it is still a part of my journey that I felt I needed to share.
How do you deal with the judge-y people in your life?